Confidence.  It is a funny thing, is it not?  Many people have told me, “You are so confident in what you do.”  I have heard, “I wish I was as confident as you are!”  Boy, It is so nice to know that others think I am a confident human being.  Because for years, even though I projected such great confidence, it was, in truth, a mask.  One that was worn every single day.  And one that I would take off the moment I was alone with my own thoughts.  You see, I had to project out what I thought the world needed for me to be a good human being.  Not what I truly needed.  So I have lived my life, with the confidence mask on, letting people think, Wow, she is so confident in everything she does.  I allowed this to integrate into every part of my life.  With my family, with my friends, with my colleagues.  I allowed all sorts of people to literally take advantage of me.  Now here is the truly sad part of this whole thing, I did not know any better.  I thought I was what I was designed to do.  Then comes the AHA moment.  When I realize that I don’t have to do what I thought was the RIGHT thing.  Because what is the RIGHT thing?  I have found in my journey that it changes.  The RIGHT thing 2 days ago is no longer the right thing today.  I have had to learn to accept that sometimes, no, in fact all the time, my RIGHT Thing changes.

Today is a great example of all of this.  I have been on this health journey along with this intuitive journey.  Honestly, the intuitive journey has been easier than the Health Journey.  Here is why.  To gain better health, I have had to relearn what to eat.  I am a firm believer that the foods we eat make a direct impact on every part of our bodies.  Both intuitively and physically.  So I have been, since February of this year, embarking on this Code Red lifestyle.  If you don’t know about it, check it out, they are on Facebook.  It has been amazing to me that I can decrease my weight and still enjoy many of the foods that I so love!  I had a pretty big stall in the weight loss portion of this  program.  I could not figure out what in the heck I was doing wrong.  I was doing everything that the coaches told us to do….so I thought…   Well, I have been within the same 5 pounds for a couple of months.  I was getting very discouraged!!  So, this week I broke through, I am officially down 45 pounds.  I am very proud of myself.  But this breakthrough got me to thinking, why now?  What have I done differently?  When the answer hit me I was as shocked as I think I have ever been.  Confidence!!  CONFIDENCE!! Did I say Confidence.  You see as I grew up, I was always told, eat what is placed before you.  There are people starving in Africa, so you should eat everything on your plate.  And if you get 2nds….you had better eat every single bit of it.  NO EXCEPTIONS!!  So as I am continuing on this Health journey, yes I was losing some pounds,  but I was also eating every single thing that I put before me.  I told myself every single day that I had to eat what I put before me.  After-all, I am the one who placed that food before me.  After all, I cooked it!!  What a revelation to myself that I literally don’t have to do that.  AND I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE FEBRUARY….IT IS AUGUST!!  So why has my mind shifted?  I have been learning, lots.  Intuition is an ongoing process for me (and that is a whole different post.)  Slowly, very slowly I am learning, taking away those old patterns, relearning to listen to my body in all things, meditating, and  being still.  I am going through a metamorphosis, and some that I have loved my whole life do not like it.  They don’t understand what is going on with me.  I am not conforming to the old ways.  I am becoming more confident in who I truly am.  I am becoming more confident in what I am.  I am embracing it all.  And as of today, I can say I am doing the RIGHT THING.  I asked my self a question this morning, and will meditate on it most of the day….that question….Why do I think I am here, on this earth?  What is the purpose?  And when I get my answer, I will know that what ever it is I can lean into it with Confidence knowing that it is truly the RIGHT THING for me.  I love myself first.  Always and forever!!

As I sit here eating my breakfast I am drawn to thinking about my post from yesterday.  (IF you missed it, please take a moment to scroll down and take a short read. )  I was thinking about judgement and forgiveness and how all of this has affected so much of my life.  All of my relationships have been affected by judgement and forgiveness.  Every single one of them.  As I realize how much of this thought is true, I wonder how many others in my life have been affected as I have been.  I wonder, if all of my friends, children, spouse, cousins, siblings, step siblings, Aunts, uncles, parents, and who ever I come in contact with have ever thought about how they are judging others.  I can not tell you how much this one thing has affected everything I am thinking of.  Did I judge some one because of something someone else said?  Did I judge someone because I choose to not pay attention?  Did I judge someone because I thought that my way was the only way?  The truth of the matter is that I did not live any of those persons life.  I have not lived in their body’s and minds their whole life.  I have not had the experiences that they have lived.  So who am I to judge ANYONE?  Be it family, friend or foe.  So I challenge everyone, take a serious look at who you are judging?   Did you chat with that person to get their side of the story?  Were you in their realm while they were making the decision.  Is it OK to let them live the life they are choosing?  How is it that others decisions are truly affecting you?  Are you the one doing the judging and putting “words in their mouth” (so to speak).  This last weekend was groundbreaking for me.  What a gift I have been given to truly see how it was my judgement of everyone around me that shaped so much of my life, and that it was in my power all along to change it.  How much easier my life would have been if I had realized this sooner.  So, take a look at you, yes, it will be difficult, have that honest conversation with yourself, and accept the answer you are given. And then forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for what you did not know, for what you have just learned and remember,  We are all on a journey.  One filled with bumps and bruises and breaks, but through it all Love is always there.  From places that are sometimes quite unexpected.

So, I just returned home from my High School Class reunion.  Now I’m not gonna lie.  I was a tad apprehensive to go to this .  But I had not been back since the first one,  and to be honest, that first one felt much like high school as it seemed the cliques were still very apparent.  Without letting everyone know what my age is, it has been many many years since that very first class reunion.  I must say, I have evolved so much since that very first reunion  and I have learned A TON!!  So, back in High School, there was the Jocks, and the Greasers and the ones in the middle.  I was very much in the middle group, as were 90 percent of my classmates.  Now, as I graduated, then moved into being a wife and mother lots of things began to shape my life.  High school was one that was a huge thing always in the back of my mind.  I always felt less than.  For years I thought that it was because of everyone else.  I felt the way I did because Everyone else made me feel that way.  Boy was I in for a huge eye opener, one that was filled with awakening, sorrow and complete shock!!  I have been learning, and learning and learning more.  Personal Development has become my mantra.  Or should I say awakening has become my mantra!  The past few years I have learned about forgiveness, and acceptance and being OK with me.  Just me.  Imagine my surprise when I go to a class reunion, with absolutely no expectations and walk away with a huge epiphany.  I went into my reunion with the thought that I have made a ton of changes in myself so who am I to say that no one else has not had the same changes?  So off I go.  AND I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME,  and I learned so much in such a very short time.  Self discovery is a  hard pill to swallow when I had been in complete denial of my role of negative feelings while in my teen years. But then comes the joy.  So here is what I discovered……Guess who the judgemental, conceited and bitchy one was during High School?   ME.  ALL ME.  COMPLETELY ME.  Who was I to judge who was going thru what?  Evidently I thought I was pretty important.  And have thought that for quite some time.  Talk about taking me off of my pedestal.  Took me down all the way actually.  Here I was thinking, I really don’t have anything in common with any of those people.  Well guess what?  Those people had their own demons that they were trying to get rid of and  are some of the nicest people I have met.  I was humbled when those that I thought had no clue who I was gave me huge hugs.  I was humbled when they all remembered me.  Me, insignificant little ole me.  and many were interested in what I said.  Talk about an eye opening experience.  I was so incredibly humbled by everyone in attendance.  This morning as I was driving back to my home, it hit me.  It was never ever ever any one else being judgemental.  It was all me.  I was the one judging everyone.  I was judging them and putting thoughts  into my head.  Thoughts that had absolutely no truth to them.  And I have been living those thoughts for years.   So now as I progress in this thing I call life, I am honored to say that I graduated from High School with some pretty amazing people.  I am so completely sorry for the thoughts that I put into their voices that they did not even say.  I am learning.  Learning about Forgiveness of myself, for if I cant forgive myself for stupid unknown things that I have done how can I forgive ANY one else?  So I have done this thing and now I understand that judgement truly comes from myself first.  Not from the innocent people that I thought were my nemesis.  I’m sorry for the judgements that I made that were completely false.  For the lies I told myself over and over.  Moving forward Judgement is becoming less and less.  It is leaving my awareness and I am moving on with this wonderful beauty that I call life.  And learning that the Jocks, the Greasers and th emiddles are just all trying to navigate this journey of life.

Well, it has been almost a year since my last post.  For those of you who have been following me, sorry about that.  But this life is a journey and I can say, with absolute certainty that I have been on a journey.  I have been taking time to learn about me.
To learn what I love and don’t love.  Both in myself and in what others perceive in me.  learning about unbelievability, manipulation and self awareness.   I have had many people help me thru all of these wonderful perceptions.  I have seen in those closest to me things that I do not want in my life and am making changes.  The weird thing is, as I begin to like myself more and become more confident in my own self, many of those who were close to me fight back.  They do not like the new me.  They do not like the new patterns that I am going into.   They are used to the old patterns.  That’s what they want me to be.  It makes them more comfortable.  But I am here to be me.  To make my life happy.  To be my own person.  Not others versions of myself.  So I put my claim in.  I am here, to start over, to begin anew,  to continue to learn about myself, about my spirituality, my intuition, my oneness with myself.   To accept me as i am and not worry about what others think.  Honestly, that is a hard one for me.  I have lived my whole life with the worry of what others think of me.  What my Parents, my siblings, my friends think, so this will probably be something i continually come back to.  Self acceptance and Letting go.  A continual New Beginning.  Everyday I learn something new about me.  Everyday is a new adventure.  Some are filled with more adventure than others.  Some are so invigorating that I literally buzz throughout the entire day.  And how completely perfect is that.  Each day, a new beginning.  I will attempt to keep you all posted on my travels through this thing we call life.  Some days will be filled with Spiritual things, other with selfish things.  Some days will be filled with introspection and venting, but that is how I choose to live my life.  Trial and Error.  Then Acceptance and Letting go.  Thank you all for being here and traveling this journey with me.  I love you all.

Who do I love?  Its a common question.  One that has obvious answers.  Or does It?  So often when I ask people who they love, the answer is my husband, my wife, my kids, my dog, my cat…You get the picture.  I myself do the exact same thing.  Now these are the perfect things to love.  Loved ones are expected.  The more important question though, when asked, is do you love Yourself?  So often, and until very recently I would have said YES to that question.  But, in truth, it was a lie.  Mostly because I was looking at the wrong things to say yes I love me to.  I was truly only saying yes because that is what I was supposed to say, what was expected of me.  Truth……I really did not like myself.  I have a tendency to be a pleaser.  I will do everything in my life to please all of those around me.  I clean the house( lately not very well, but hey, its a journey…right?), I make dinner, I say yes to lots of things.  All because it was an expectation that I placed on myself.  Reality is I want to do something completely different.  Now in my fantasy life, I have a pretty good life.  I tell the truth, about everything, (feelings, thoughts, wishes, etc)…Always.  I don’t sugar coat things, yet I am able to tell things with loads of love and acceptance for what is right in front of me.  I am able to embrace the gifts that God gave me and become fully in sync with everything that is me.  I am a world traveler and teach people all over the world what my gifts are and why I believe that they are so incredibly important.  At least to me they are.  Now this fantasy life, is it a bad thing?  Some will say, wow, you are absolutely crazy.  But this was my reality for so long, this fantasy world was my escape.  I made up these realities to escape the pain that I was living and the untruth of my life.  And it was not an untruth that anyone person had placed upon me.  Actually, one person had placed these untruths upon me.  Guess who that was?  No, not parents, not husband, not children.  It was 100% me.  I am the one who chose to believe the untruths about myself.  No one specific, except myself.  And because I chose to believe all of these things I said to myself, well they must be true?  Why would I lie to myself? Right?  So because I was a stubborn person, and always have be to right…..(right?  silly me!!)  I totally believed everything that was inadvertently said about myself.  It has taken me years to understand that what others have said, meant or thought have nothing to do with me.  The only person that matters what I feel, what I think and what I do is ME!

So MY aha came as I am driving to a wedding in the northern part of the state.  I have these conversations with myself.  Sometimes they are not good, cuz old patterns raise their ugly heads and I run with them.  But this time was different.  I started talking to myself about what I would do in my perfect world.  With all the money in the world at my disposal.  Well, let me tell you I have a great life in this other reality.  It is awesome.  and the reason why?  Because I am doing everything that I want to do.  I am being the person I want to be.  I asked the question.  Do you love yourself?  Being totally honest here, the tears started to fall.  I’m driving thru all these tears, thinking, do I truly love myself?  In this reality?  And the answer truly is no.  I don’t.  So how do I change that?  How do I get myself to that total acceptance of myself, my gifts, and my true nature. Of course the answer came to me quickly!!  (Thank you all of my spirit guides!!  You are awesome! More on these amazing beings at a later date).  I get there by being that person.  I get there by being.  It truly does not matter what Johnny thinks, what Mable thinks, or what Fido feels.  All that truly matters is how I think, feel and do.  So I made a pledge to myself.  I no longer an going to hide behind myself.  I am going to go very authentic.  Very real.  Very open.  Now, I’m not going to lie, this is going to be harder than anything I have ever done.  One, because it is calling on me for complete vulnerability.  A complete letting go of the shame associated with the vulnerability.  Its going to call for me completely embracing my gifts, my intuition, my willingness to change.  Because the honest answer to the question of Who do you love?  It has to be myself first.  Because in my eyes, if I don’t truly love myself and every little thing about myself, how can I truly love another?  If accepting myself with all of the extra weight, the hair that is not perfect, the messy house, the voice that is too loud, or the intuition that has been put on the back burner, how in the world can I really love anything.  Loving myself is paramount.  Acceptance of myself is vital.  Be at one with who I am and who I am becoming.  Now, today I can honestly say that I really do like myself better than I did 3 years ago.  But in a years time, when I revisit this I will be able to say I absolutely love me and everything that is me.  My body, my hair, my clothes, my voice, and even my writing.  I will love the intuitive gifts that I have been given and embrace all that I have had to go thru.  It is a journey, one that I am proud to say that I have gone thru and have come out a victor on every single plain of it.  I LOVE BEING ME!!  And that is a truly amazing thing for me.  Because I am awesome!!  Watch out world,  get ready for the new me!!  Filled with love, acceptance and joy.

Boy, it has been awhile since I last wrote.  I have to say sorry to all of you who are following me.  I found I had to take a break and continue my learning of all of this intuition stuff.  Life sometimes gets in the way and then I realize when I got to the other side that guess what, I JUST LEARNED A BUNCH OF THINGS!  How completely awesome is that?  So let me tell you what I have learned about this thing called intuition.  Because I shut it down for 40+ years, its hard to learn to trust and accept that part of me that is beginning to feel again.  And not just feel, but feel the way I was designed to feel.  Acceptance of myself is a huge part of this and I am still learning to accept.   Not just the intuition, but the whole package.  Each pound, each ache, each hurt, each emotion.  Each itty bitty part of me.  I have had mentors say to me, “What did you just say?”  (Thank you Lori Dodson).  I have a friend/mentor/teacher (AKA Lori Dodson) who wont let me stay in my crap.  She calls me on it every time.  EVERY SINGLE TIME!!  Now some may say, Boy, that is tough.  But honestly, to get to where I want to go in my life I have to face up to my insecurities, my false beliefs, my assumed insignificance.  But, when I come out of the other side of accepting all of my personal crap I am truly better.  I understand so much better, not only myself, but everyone that surrounds me.  From family to friends, life is becoming so much easier.  Now, I’m not going to lie, sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes I feel like punching someone in the face.  But, here is the difference, when I am called out because of words I have said or actions I have done, I know it is done with complete love.  Having people in my life that love me and accept me, and I know this, helps to get me thru those super hard times.  There are still times when I go thru the “I’m so fat, I’m so ugly and stupid” phases.  But they get smaller and smaller.   I am beginning to believe in myself more and more.

This is how I have begun to process all of this.  And keep in mind this is just one process that I have used.  I have surrounded myself with a wonderful group of ladies who love me, no matter what.  I have begun to call myself out when the negative self talk starts.  Seriously, when talking to myself and I am doing the slam conversation, when I realize it (yes, it is not an automatic realization..40+ years of living this way), I literally tell myself, out loud, to STOP IT!  RIGHT NOW!!  Then I turn on some happy music that I can sing off key to, or a fun show or a good book.  I do anything I can to put my mind  in a more positive state.  I also quit watching news or those crime dramas on TV.  I stop listening to those people and those songs, shows, books or whatever makes me feel out of sorts. I only listen to those who have positive things to say.  Uplifting things.  Accepting things.  Some say I’m out of touch–but I really don’t care.  I’m the most important person to me.  And I need to be happy.  So as I progress toward complete and total acceptance of me guess what happens?  I accept more of others and things.  Is it really that hard?  No, its simple really.  Total acceptance is the key.  As that happens, I then accept this intuitive gift I have.  I no longer deny it.  And guess what?  I’m a much happier person.  Sometimes it just takes a little time.

Love you all So much!!!  Thank you for Reading.

You know, that belly laugh moment.  The ones that make you wish you had worked out your abs more?  The ones that made you pee in your pants just a little.  The ones that remain as very fond memories even if the people associated with them are no longer in your circle?  Those ones that as something comes up, a smile crosses your face and you begin to grin like a fool?  I have had some of those great moments.  Like the one where, (coming from a clean room environment for work, the suits you wear are called bunny suits), and when explaining to a friend about a horrific hit and run accident that involved lots of carnage and they were out there in bunny suits and everything….yes, she thought actual bunny suits!!  OMG..laughed so hard.  We had just gotten ice cream and the ice cream became a shake we laughed so hard and so long.  Now, don’t judge.  It was horrific…someone died.  But the thought of someone in bunny ears and tails out cleaning up everything made us laugh.  HARD!!  It’s those moments that I cherish.  Those moments that I absolutely adore.  It is also those moments that make me tear up.  That make me question everything I ever did in my life.  Why?  Because many of the people in those amazing moments are no longer part of my journey.  However, they were crucial to it.  Do I miss them?  Heck yes.  But, if they were still in my journey, would I still be on this amazing journey?   I look at all of the people who are no longer with me.  High School/middle school/grade school friends, family members, volunteer friends, work friends, all of them.  People are meant to come into my life and out of my life.  They are meant to be guides, angels, and teachers.  I love that about all of those friends.  They all gave me gifts.  And as the great Sheli G said to me numerous times, the gift is the gift..its up to you to do something with it.  Yea.  I just didn’t understand what the gifts were.  Sometimes, I had to take a look back on my life and the friends in it and say, wow, Friend A taught me so much.  I had no idea.  I am proud of the person I have become and of the person that I am becoming.  Do I regret some of the things that I have done and said?  Yep!  But again, Lessons.  Lessons and Belly laughs.  They go hand in hand for me.  They are the best teachers.  Learning about this crazy gift of intuition is a happy challenge.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days are more fun than others.  Some days are filled with those fond memories and Belly laughs.  I love everything about all of it.  I’m growing, learning, evolving and loving my beautiful self, more every single day.  I’m becoming me.  I’m becoming the light.  Hell no!!  I am the light!!  I thank all of those beautiful friends who I have gone thru so much with.  You have all given me so much and I am grateful for each and every day.  My hope is that I can be of service to those that need me.  And maybe a good silly Belly Laugh or two.

Those friends.  You know the ones.  The ones who got me to do the things that maybe I really shouldn’t do, or really don’t want to do, but do it anyway?  Those friends.  Some of them I have had the times of my life with.  Others, (sometimes the same ones), had the scariest times with.  Yea!!!  Those friends.  Some of them are with me for a very long time and some are with me for a short time.  They all had an impact on me.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  I never realized how much those friends affected my life.   Most of them I still speak with, a few I don’t.  Are they all good for me?  Absolutely.  Even the ones that were probably not the best of influences.  Why were they good for me?  Because each of my friends, each member of my family has taught me something.  It may have been that I don’t care for a particular food to I need to head in a different direction.  Each completely added something to my life.  I can think of a couple of friends that honestly, if I was still friends with them the way I was, I would not be on the amazing journey I am today.  I have begun to look at each friend, each family member and say thank you so much for the gift.  What completely selfless gifts they each were.  And honestly, when in the middle of each horrific, amazing, perfectly fun time, I was slowly being taught.  I was being taught about patience, judgement, acceptance, forgiveness and even self-love.

I know, I am jumping all around on this beautiful blog of mine.  But my journey has not been a straight line.  As much as I would have liked it to be.  Some years were fantastic and then others were not.  And my loathing for my own self has come at a cost.  Some days the cost has seemed larger than other days.  But right now, As I sit here today, writing this fun blog, I understand.  That nothing comes with a 0-price tag.  There is always a cost.  For some of my lessons it was the cost of friendships.  Ones that, as the days progress, I can see what the gifts were.  Some I am still learning.  I have a couple of friends, and they said to me a number of times, “you are who you hang out with”.  Ummmm.  Right.  Well, I thought that the friends that I was hanging out with were good for me.  I thought that they always had my best interests at heart.  What I did not understand, was that they were not good for me and did not have my best interests at heart.  It took years for me to understand this.  I went thru lots of counseling, personal development workshops, personal development books, intuits, and tears before I understood this one simple concept.  It is so simple.  So incredibly simple…not easy, just simple.  The concept?  Love yourself.  If I don’t love me in all that I am, how can anyone else?  How can anyone respect me if I don’t respect myself?  Now I had heard this, multiple times.  But understanding and really, truly loving me was something so foreign that I could not get my head around it.  I had been telling myself lies for so long that I completely believed them.  I believed that If I wanted friend A, then I would have to do what A wanted.  If I wanted friend B and friend B needed me then I would be there.  Did not matter if I felt like crap or felt my world crashing in.  I did not matter.  Now these gifts that I have talked about, the ones given to me by my friends and family, the ones they were trying to teach me, I did not realize what it was that they were trying to do for me.  Maybe they did not either.  It does not matter.  Because now I know why everything that has happened in my life to date, has happened.  It is so I would come to fully understand what self-loathing does to a soul.  Do you understand that I had to go thru all of that?  All of the tears, the hate, the crumbling interior.  I had to be that person that was imploding.  And my friends were crucial in that.  I did not know it at the time, but as I was leaving some friends and finding new ones my life was becoming my own.  My life was becoming fantastic.  I was starting to understand that I could take the initiative and become a completely different person.  I began to understand that I did not have to do anything to have friends like me.  I just had to be my own authentic self.  I had to show my vulnerability.  I had to be true to myself.  As I did this my whole world shifted.  My world became clear for the first time.  Those friends, the ones that led me down many weird paths and uncertain times.  I say thank you.  You gave me a gift that I can never ever repay.  Gifts that will be cherished and nurtured as I continue down the path of Intuition.  Gifts that are one of kind.

Patterns.  We use them for many things.  Making clothing, bags, food, friends, helping or even just having some down time, or living life plain and simple.  I look at my current patterns and I realize that some of my patterns are truly amazing and some disheartening.  Why do I live with patterns?  Specifically, those that either lift me or sabotage me.  The answer of course, is because that is what I know.  What my comfort zone is.  Understanding my own patterns has become a way of life for me.  I have spent a few years now analyzing the patterns that I have developed and those that I no longer want to keep.  I know the question.  How have you been analyzing your patterns?  The answer, honestly, is with a lot of tears, journaling, counseling (by many people), reading books, listening to books (I love Audible.  Just saying.)  and really looking at where I was in my life.  I started to pay attention to my spiral.  When did I feel good?  When did I feel bad?  Specifically, which circumstances made me feel good and which made me feel like a sack of crap.  I was amazed at all of those patterns.  Let me clue you in on one of them.

A pattern that I especially loved..until about 2 years ago, was taking an incident, could be any incident, bad drivers, a phone call from anyone, a sound or body language, and dwelling upon it for days.  Really getting my hair up.  I would go over it again and again in my mind.  I would twist it.  I would turn it.  I would make it or the person the complete bad guy.   And in my mind, I was always right.  How dare anyone not agree with me.  A great example of this is a friend, let’s call this friend Gertrude.  I’m driving in the car with Gertrude, we are in the vehicle with 2 other people.   While they are in the car, the conversation is between Gertrude and one of the back-seat friends.  Both parties get dropped off and now it is just me and Gertrude.  I start to say something and Gertrude cranks the music up.  I am devastated.  I thought this was a super great friend.  Obviously, she does not want to talk with me.  Tears begin to run down my cheek.  We arrive at the place where my vehicle is and I say as quickly as possible that I will see you later, have a good night.  I get in my car and drive about 2 blocks away and sit in my car.  I cry.  I sob actually.  I cannot believe that I obviously have done something that she is mad about.  (When I ask about this at a later date I am told no nothing is wrong.  Do I believe this?  Not even a tiny bit).  The pattern now has solidified and I am on a roll.  I would begin by telling myself how I must have done something wrong, how could I have been so stupid to not know what it was?  How could I let this happen?  Why would this great friend do this to me?  I must be bad.  I must be not a good friend.  I must not be worthy of a friend.  But because of old patterns, old habits, I hung on.  For dear life.  And continued this process of self-depreciating hate.

Now as I am progressing thru this cycle, I begin to say, that is really dumb of me.  I’m not the one who did anything wrong.  I was being a nice friend.  I’m always there. I do whatever is asked of me.  I am totally in the right and Gertrude is completely wrong.  She is the wrong one.  She is the bad one.  She is the unworthy one.  Keep in mind I would repeat this dozens of times a day.  And not just toward the friend.  I would rant to myself about my children, my husband, other drivers, customers at stores, anyone who did not fit into my perfect little world.  How wrong they were, how wrong I was.  Everything thing was wrong.  After quite some time, I began to see.  Hmmmm…..If everything is wrong with everyone, maybe it is not everyone.  Maybe it is me who needs to change my thoughts.  Maybe it is me who needs to change my habits.  MAYBE IT IS TIME TO CHANGE MY PATTERNS.

Now remember, I have had many years of listening to the Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks as told to them by Abraham.  I WAS NOT GETTING IT!!  I thought I was.  Boy did I think I was, but NEWS FLASH!!!! I WAS NOT GETTING IT.  So very slowly, with the help of so many wonderful people, I began to understand that what I was feeling was my issues.  I began to understand that what people said to me, about me, was not a reflection on me, but on them.  I began to understand.  Today, with all of this amazing knowledge, I am better able to be in a place of love and acceptance.  I do not honestly know what I would do in a situation like the one with Gertrude.  I do have feelings, so I may get hurt again.  But this time around, I will understand that there is nothing wrong with me.  There is nothing wrong with her.  It just is.  Everyone has their own patterns.  Every single person.  I may not like the patterns that they use.  But I can accept them.  As I would want all to accept mine.  I no longer cycle thru those incidents.  I no longer dwell on the negative.  Because that is what I did for so very long.  If I do find myself moving in that direction, I immediately get or do something to take my mind off of the thought.  I listen to happy music, I listen to a book, I play with my granddaughter, I watch a really fun show.  I change my thoughts.  It started as a life skill to learn, now is a habit.  I can honestly say that I have not had a sobbing spell in quite some time.  Mostly because I have changed my patterns that I held for so long.  I no longer look at myself as a victim.

I sit here and I think, WOW, 2013 was such a pivotal year for me.  That is when the beginning of my personal crash began. But before all of the crash began, my guides, angels, God, and everyone in that realm were trying to get my attention.  They sent me to the last year of a women’s empowerment conference in March and there I met the amazing Sheli G.  She was such a beacon for me.  She literally sang the words to a song she had written and those words included the phrase, “Miracles happen, just believe”.  I was completely blown away.  I had just purchased my car angel during my Dads hospital stay and it had those exact words on it.  Here was someone who at least tried to understand me.  And she did a fantastic job of it.  But, truth be known, I did not ever give anyone the full story.  I tried.  At least I thought I did.  I was very incapable of sharing the real me, the truth of me.    And honestly, I never shared most of it with anyone.  Including my husband, my children, my best friend, they all thought they knew me, but reality check…they didn’t because I would not let them in.  It was too scary.  Letting anyone see your most personal thoughts and dreams.  I kept all of that to myself.  Sometimes I still do, I’m still learning.  But I am getting better and better at that trust thing, that openness thing.

In October of that year, I had 3 physical deaths in one week.  Then as the course of 2014 began to take shape there were 3 other physical deaths.  I was working on a new Women’s Conference in my area with the amazing Sheli G, and was trying to keep a flip flop business alive.  I was volunteering about 30 hours a week to the conference and about 30 hours a week to my business.  Working many vendor shows, trying to keep the family going.  Taking kids where they needed to go, being that mom that everyone (I believed) thought I was.  My life was spiraling out of control.  That ‘no’ word was very illusive.  I honestly believed that I had to say yes.  It was my thing.  I was always willing to help out.  To be that go to person.  As I look back on it now, I can see that my guides were trying as hard as they could to get my attention (I was not paying attention!!  AT ALL).  I was in my comfort zone.  Being an awesome mom, an awesome friend, a wife, a volunteer.  Then October of 2013.  3 deaths.  And hard ones at that.  My neighbor kid committed suicide, my uncle died and a parent from my kids’ activities passed over.  That was a hard week.  But still, I persisted.  I could be that friend, that volunteer, that great family person.  Then in 2014, 3 other cousins passed on, due to one reason or another.  Their journeys were over.  Mine was still in progress.  The conference I was working on became a reality during all of this and was considered a success.  I was moving toward the next year.  Out of the Women’s Conference came a group called Destiny (I will have more on this amazing weekend in a later post) and this weekend gave me the courage to say to my husband, “I am going to counseling, and I want you to go with me.”  He was surprised.  I don’t think he had a clue as to what was going on.  After all, I was really, really good at putting up the mask and pretending that everything was just wonderful.  But he went.  Thank goodness.  I sobbed thru the whole session.  My therapist then says, “yea….I need to see you alone for a bit.  Your husband, we will bring him back in a later date”.  Just one more chunk taken out of the hard shell that I had put up around myself.  Then that same month, after the death of one of my cousins, my best friend and I had a HUGE falling out.  My heart was broken.  I did not know where to turn, I did not know what to do.  Thank goodness for all of the things I was doing because it was keeping me afloat.  Or so I thought.  Then August rolls in and my business dies.  Not because of me, but the corporate level just quit.  I was completely and totally destroyed.  That was my 8^th ‘death’ in one year and the year had not even completed yet.  I still had 3 months to go before it was a full year.  Things then just started to fall apart.  It seemed that everything I was touching was not good enough or not complete.  I was drowning.  I got thru the next years Women’s conference and still things were falling apart.  My mask was no longer working.  I did not have the tools available to me to get through it.  Thank goodness for therapy and awesome insurance.  I don’t think I would have gotten thru all of that without it.  Now keep in mind, people were there for me.  Some I trusted, others I did not.  But I did have a support network.  I just did not believe that anyone would want to believe everything I was going through in my head.  After all, I was the strong one.  I was the one who got things done.  Got things accomplished….only, I wasn’t.  NOTHING was getting done.  I began to wonder, why?  Why do any of this.  Why be here.  Then after much therapy, friends who would not give up on me, a husband who did not understand but let me go thru the process that I needed to go thru, I began to see a glimmer.  A very small beacon of light.  One that became my lifeline.  One that would pull me out of my funk, my head and my beliefs.  One that lead me to the path of my amazing Spirit guides, God and my ability to see what lay ahead of me.  One that changed my life and made me feel whole.  One that solidified everything I had wanted to believe but felt too insecure to try to understand or think I could ever understand.   The path was opening ahead of me, I was just too blind and stubborn to see it at the time.  I began to discover my own amazing intuition.