Who do you love?

Who do I love?  Its a common question.  One that has obvious answers.  Or does It?  So often when I ask people who they love, the answer is my husband, my wife, my kids, my dog, my cat…You get the picture.  I myself do the exact same thing.  Now these are the perfect things to love.  Loved ones are expected.  The more important question though, when asked, is do you love Yourself?  So often, and until very recently I would have said YES to that question.  But, in truth, it was a lie.  Mostly because I was looking at the wrong things to say yes I love me to.  I was truly only saying yes because that is what I was supposed to say, what was expected of me.  Truth……I really did not like myself.  I have a tendency to be a pleaser.  I will do everything in my life to please all of those around me.  I clean the house( lately not very well, but hey, its a journey…right?), I make dinner, I say yes to lots of things.  All because it was an expectation that I placed on myself.  Reality is I want to do something completely different.  Now in my fantasy life, I have a pretty good life.  I tell the truth, about everything, (feelings, thoughts, wishes, etc)…Always.  I don’t sugar coat things, yet I am able to tell things with loads of love and acceptance for what is right in front of me.  I am able to embrace the gifts that God gave me and become fully in sync with everything that is me.  I am a world traveler and teach people all over the world what my gifts are and why I believe that they are so incredibly important.  At least to me they are.  Now this fantasy life, is it a bad thing?  Some will say, wow, you are absolutely crazy.  But this was my reality for so long, this fantasy world was my escape.  I made up these realities to escape the pain that I was living and the untruth of my life.  And it was not an untruth that anyone person had placed upon me.  Actually, one person had placed these untruths upon me.  Guess who that was?  No, not parents, not husband, not children.  It was 100% me.  I am the one who chose to believe the untruths about myself.  No one specific, except myself.  And because I chose to believe all of these things I said to myself, well they must be true?  Why would I lie to myself? Right?  So because I was a stubborn person, and always have be to right…..(right?  silly me!!)  I totally believed everything that was inadvertently said about myself.  It has taken me years to understand that what others have said, meant or thought have nothing to do with me.  The only person that matters what I feel, what I think and what I do is ME!

So MY aha came as I am driving to a wedding in the northern part of the state.  I have these conversations with myself.  Sometimes they are not good, cuz old patterns raise their ugly heads and I run with them.  But this time was different.  I started talking to myself about what I would do in my perfect world.  With all the money in the world at my disposal.  Well, let me tell you I have a great life in this other reality.  It is awesome.  and the reason why?  Because I am doing everything that I want to do.  I am being the person I want to be.  I asked the question.  Do you love yourself?  Being totally honest here, the tears started to fall.  I’m driving thru all these tears, thinking, do I truly love myself?  In this reality?  And the answer truly is no.  I don’t.  So how do I change that?  How do I get myself to that total acceptance of myself, my gifts, and my true nature. Of course the answer came to me quickly!!  (Thank you all of my spirit guides!!  You are awesome! More on these amazing beings at a later date).  I get there by being that person.  I get there by being.  It truly does not matter what Johnny thinks, what Mable thinks, or what Fido feels.  All that truly matters is how I think, feel and do.  So I made a pledge to myself.  I no longer an going to hide behind myself.  I am going to go very authentic.  Very real.  Very open.  Now, I’m not going to lie, this is going to be harder than anything I have ever done.  One, because it is calling on me for complete vulnerability.  A complete letting go of the shame associated with the vulnerability.  Its going to call for me completely embracing my gifts, my intuition, my willingness to change.  Because the honest answer to the question of Who do you love?  It has to be myself first.  Because in my eyes, if I don’t truly love myself and every little thing about myself, how can I truly love another?  If accepting myself with all of the extra weight, the hair that is not perfect, the messy house, the voice that is too loud, or the intuition that has been put on the back burner, how in the world can I really love anything.  Loving myself is paramount.  Acceptance of myself is vital.  Be at one with who I am and who I am becoming.  Now, today I can honestly say that I really do like myself better than I did 3 years ago.  But in a years time, when I revisit this I will be able to say I absolutely love me and everything that is me.  My body, my hair, my clothes, my voice, and even my writing.  I will love the intuitive gifts that I have been given and embrace all that I have had to go thru.  It is a journey, one that I am proud to say that I have gone thru and have come out a victor on every single plain of it.  I LOVE BEING ME!!  And that is a truly amazing thing for me.  Because I am awesome!!  Watch out world,  get ready for the new me!!  Filled with love, acceptance and joy.