You know, that belly laugh moment. The ones that make you wish you had worked out your abs more? The ones that made you pee in your pants just a little. The ones that remain as very fond memories even if the people associated with them are no longer in your circle? Those ones that as something comes up, a smile crosses your face and you begin to grin like a fool? I have had some of those great moments. Like the one where, (coming from a clean room environment for work, the suits you wear are called bunny suits), and when explaining to a friend about a horrific hit and run accident that involved lots of carnage and they were out there in bunny suits and everything….yes, she thought actual bunny suits!! OMG..laughed so hard. We had just gotten ice cream and the ice cream became a shake we laughed so hard and so long. Now, don’t judge. It was horrific…someone died. But the thought of someone in bunny ears and tails out cleaning up everything made us laugh. HARD!! It’s those moments that I cherish. Those moments that I absolutely adore. It is also those moments that make me tear up. That make me question everything I ever did in my life. Why? Because many of the people in those amazing moments are no longer part of my journey. However, they were crucial to it. Do I miss them? Heck yes. But, if they were still in my journey, would I still be on this amazing journey? I look at all of the people who are no longer with me. High School/middle school/grade school friends, family members, volunteer friends, work friends, all of them. People are meant to come into my life and out of my life. They are meant to be guides, angels, and teachers. I love that about all of those friends. They all gave me gifts. And as the great Sheli G said to me numerous times, the gift is the gift..its up to you to do something with it. Yea. I just didn’t understand what the gifts were. Sometimes, I had to take a look back on my life and the friends in it and say, wow, Friend A taught me so much. I had no idea. I am proud of the person I have become and of the person that I am becoming. Do I regret some of the things that I have done and said? Yep! But again, Lessons. Lessons and Belly laughs. They go hand in hand for me. They are the best teachers. Learning about this crazy gift of intuition is a happy challenge. Some days are harder than others. Some days are more fun than others. Some days are filled with those fond memories and Belly laughs. I love everything about all of it. I’m growing, learning, evolving and loving my beautiful self, more every single day. I’m becoming me. I’m becoming the light. Hell no!! I am the light!! I thank all of those beautiful friends who I have gone thru so much with. You have all given me so much and I am grateful for each and every day. My hope is that I can be of service to those that need me. And maybe a good silly Belly Laugh or two.
Those friends. You know the ones. The ones who got me to do the things that maybe I really shouldn’t do, or really don’t want to do, but do it anyway? Those friends. Some of them I have had the times of my life with. Others, (sometimes the same ones), had the scariest times with. Yea!!! Those friends. Some of them are with me for a very long time and some are with me for a short time. They all had an impact on me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I never realized how much those friends affected my life. Most of them I still speak with, a few I don’t. Are they all good for me? Absolutely. Even the ones that were probably not the best of influences. Why were they good for me? Because each of my friends, each member of my family has taught me something. It may have been that I don’t care for a particular food to I need to head in a different direction. Each completely added something to my life. I can think of a couple of friends that honestly, if I was still friends with them the way I was, I would not be on the amazing journey I am today. I have begun to look at each friend, each family member and say thank you so much for the gift. What completely selfless gifts they each were. And honestly, when in the middle of each horrific, amazing, perfectly fun time, I was slowly being taught. I was being taught about patience, judgement, acceptance, forgiveness and even self-love.
I know, I am jumping all around on this beautiful blog of mine. But my journey has not been a straight line. As much as I would have liked it to be. Some years were fantastic and then others were not. And my loathing for my own self has come at a cost. Some days the cost has seemed larger than other days. But right now, As I sit here today, writing this fun blog, I understand. That nothing comes with a 0-price tag. There is always a cost. For some of my lessons it was the cost of friendships. Ones that, as the days progress, I can see what the gifts were. Some I am still learning. I have a couple of friends, and they said to me a number of times, “you are who you hang out with”. Ummmm. Right. Well, I thought that the friends that I was hanging out with were good for me. I thought that they always had my best interests at heart. What I did not understand, was that they were not good for me and did not have my best interests at heart. It took years for me to understand this. I went thru lots of counseling, personal development workshops, personal development books, intuits, and tears before I understood this one simple concept. It is so simple. So incredibly simple…not easy, just simple. The concept? Love yourself. If I don’t love me in all that I am, how can anyone else? How can anyone respect me if I don’t respect myself? Now I had heard this, multiple times. But understanding and really, truly loving me was something so foreign that I could not get my head around it. I had been telling myself lies for so long that I completely believed them. I believed that If I wanted friend A, then I would have to do what A wanted. If I wanted friend B and friend B needed me then I would be there. Did not matter if I felt like crap or felt my world crashing in. I did not matter. Now these gifts that I have talked about, the ones given to me by my friends and family, the ones they were trying to teach me, I did not realize what it was that they were trying to do for me. Maybe they did not either. It does not matter. Because now I know why everything that has happened in my life to date, has happened. It is so I would come to fully understand what self-loathing does to a soul. Do you understand that I had to go thru all of that? All of the tears, the hate, the crumbling interior. I had to be that person that was imploding. And my friends were crucial in that. I did not know it at the time, but as I was leaving some friends and finding new ones my life was becoming my own. My life was becoming fantastic. I was starting to understand that I could take the initiative and become a completely different person. I began to understand that I did not have to do anything to have friends like me. I just had to be my own authentic self. I had to show my vulnerability. I had to be true to myself. As I did this my whole world shifted. My world became clear for the first time. Those friends, the ones that led me down many weird paths and uncertain times. I say thank you. You gave me a gift that I can never ever repay. Gifts that will be cherished and nurtured as I continue down the path of Intuition. Gifts that are one of kind.
Patterns. We use them for many things. Making clothing, bags, food, friends, helping or even just having some down time, or living life plain and simple. I look at my current patterns and I realize that some of my patterns are truly amazing and some disheartening. Why do I live with patterns? Specifically, those that either lift me or sabotage me. The answer of course, is because that is what I know. What my comfort zone is. Understanding my own patterns has become a way of life for me. I have spent a few years now analyzing the patterns that I have developed and those that I no longer want to keep. I know the question. How have you been analyzing your patterns? The answer, honestly, is with a lot of tears, journaling, counseling (by many people), reading books, listening to books (I love Audible. Just saying.) and really looking at where I was in my life. I started to pay attention to my spiral. When did I feel good? When did I feel bad? Specifically, which circumstances made me feel good and which made me feel like a sack of crap. I was amazed at all of those patterns. Let me clue you in on one of them.
A pattern that I especially loved..until about 2 years ago, was taking an incident, could be any incident, bad drivers, a phone call from anyone, a sound or body language, and dwelling upon it for days. Really getting my hair up. I would go over it again and again in my mind. I would twist it. I would turn it. I would make it or the person the complete bad guy. And in my mind, I was always right. How dare anyone not agree with me. A great example of this is a friend, let’s call this friend Gertrude. I’m driving in the car with Gertrude, we are in the vehicle with 2 other people. While they are in the car, the conversation is between Gertrude and one of the back-seat friends. Both parties get dropped off and now it is just me and Gertrude. I start to say something and Gertrude cranks the music up. I am devastated. I thought this was a super great friend. Obviously, she does not want to talk with me. Tears begin to run down my cheek. We arrive at the place where my vehicle is and I say as quickly as possible that I will see you later, have a good night. I get in my car and drive about 2 blocks away and sit in my car. I cry. I sob actually. I cannot believe that I obviously have done something that she is mad about. (When I ask about this at a later date I am told no nothing is wrong. Do I believe this? Not even a tiny bit). The pattern now has solidified and I am on a roll. I would begin by telling myself how I must have done something wrong, how could I have been so stupid to not know what it was? How could I let this happen? Why would this great friend do this to me? I must be bad. I must be not a good friend. I must not be worthy of a friend. But because of old patterns, old habits, I hung on. For dear life. And continued this process of self-depreciating hate.
Now as I am progressing thru this cycle, I begin to say, that is really dumb of me. I’m not the one who did anything wrong. I was being a nice friend. I’m always there. I do whatever is asked of me. I am totally in the right and Gertrude is completely wrong. She is the wrong one. She is the bad one. She is the unworthy one. Keep in mind I would repeat this dozens of times a day. And not just toward the friend. I would rant to myself about my children, my husband, other drivers, customers at stores, anyone who did not fit into my perfect little world. How wrong they were, how wrong I was. Everything thing was wrong. After quite some time, I began to see. Hmmmm…..If everything is wrong with everyone, maybe it is not everyone. Maybe it is me who needs to change my thoughts. Maybe it is me who needs to change my habits. MAYBE IT IS TIME TO CHANGE MY PATTERNS.
Now remember, I have had many years of listening to the Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks as told to them by Abraham. I WAS NOT GETTING IT!! I thought I was. Boy did I think I was, but NEWS FLASH!!!! I WAS NOT GETTING IT. So very slowly, with the help of so many wonderful people, I began to understand that what I was feeling was my issues. I began to understand that what people said to me, about me, was not a reflection on me, but on them. I began to understand. Today, with all of this amazing knowledge, I am better able to be in a place of love and acceptance. I do not honestly know what I would do in a situation like the one with Gertrude. I do have feelings, so I may get hurt again. But this time around, I will understand that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with her. It just is. Everyone has their own patterns. Every single person. I may not like the patterns that they use. But I can accept them. As I would want all to accept mine. I no longer cycle thru those incidents. I no longer dwell on the negative. Because that is what I did for so very long. If I do find myself moving in that direction, I immediately get or do something to take my mind off of the thought. I listen to happy music, I listen to a book, I play with my granddaughter, I watch a really fun show. I change my thoughts. It started as a life skill to learn, now is a habit. I can honestly say that I have not had a sobbing spell in quite some time. Mostly because I have changed my patterns that I held for so long. I no longer look at myself as a victim.
I sit here and I think, WOW, 2013 was such a pivotal year for me. That is when the beginning of my personal crash began. But before all of the crash began, my guides, angels, God, and everyone in that realm were trying to get my attention. They sent me to the last year of a women’s empowerment conference in March and there I met the amazing Sheli G. She was such a beacon for me. She literally sang the words to a song she had written and those words included the phrase, “Miracles happen, just believe”. I was completely blown away. I had just purchased my car angel during my Dads hospital stay and it had those exact words on it. Here was someone who at least tried to understand me. And she did a fantastic job of it. But, truth be known, I did not ever give anyone the full story. I tried. At least I thought I did. I was very incapable of sharing the real me, the truth of me. And honestly, I never shared most of it with anyone. Including my husband, my children, my best friend, they all thought they knew me, but reality check…they didn’t because I would not let them in. It was too scary. Letting anyone see your most personal thoughts and dreams. I kept all of that to myself. Sometimes I still do, I’m still learning. But I am getting better and better at that trust thing, that openness thing.
In October of that year, I had 3 physical deaths in one week. Then as the course of 2014 began to take shape there were 3 other physical deaths. I was working on a new Women’s Conference in my area with the amazing Sheli G, and was trying to keep a flip flop business alive. I was volunteering about 30 hours a week to the conference and about 30 hours a week to my business. Working many vendor shows, trying to keep the family going. Taking kids where they needed to go, being that mom that everyone (I believed) thought I was. My life was spiraling out of control. That ‘no’ word was very illusive. I honestly believed that I had to say yes. It was my thing. I was always willing to help out. To be that go to person. As I look back on it now, I can see that my guides were trying as hard as they could to get my attention (I was not paying attention!! AT ALL). I was in my comfort zone. Being an awesome mom, an awesome friend, a wife, a volunteer. Then October of 2013. 3 deaths. And hard ones at that. My neighbor kid committed suicide, my uncle died and a parent from my kids’ activities passed over. That was a hard week. But still, I persisted. I could be that friend, that volunteer, that great family person. Then in 2014, 3 other cousins passed on, due to one reason or another. Their journeys were over. Mine was still in progress. The conference I was working on became a reality during all of this and was considered a success. I was moving toward the next year. Out of the Women’s Conference came a group called Destiny (I will have more on this amazing weekend in a later post) and this weekend gave me the courage to say to my husband, “I am going to counseling, and I want you to go with me.” He was surprised. I don’t think he had a clue as to what was going on. After all, I was really, really good at putting up the mask and pretending that everything was just wonderful. But he went. Thank goodness. I sobbed thru the whole session. My therapist then says, “yea….I need to see you alone for a bit. Your husband, we will bring him back in a later date”. Just one more chunk taken out of the hard shell that I had put up around myself. Then that same month, after the death of one of my cousins, my best friend and I had a HUGE falling out. My heart was broken. I did not know where to turn, I did not know what to do. Thank goodness for all of the things I was doing because it was keeping me afloat. Or so I thought. Then August rolls in and my business dies. Not because of me, but the corporate level just quit. I was completely and totally destroyed. That was my 8th ‘death’ in one year and the year had not even completed yet. I still had 3 months to go before it was a full year. Things then just started to fall apart. It seemed that everything I was touching was not good enough or not complete. I was drowning. I got thru the next years Women’s conference and still things were falling apart. My mask was no longer working. I did not have the tools available to me to get through it. Thank goodness for therapy and awesome insurance. I don’t think I would have gotten thru all of that without it. Now keep in mind, people were there for me. Some I trusted, others I did not. But I did have a support network. I just did not believe that anyone would want to believe everything I was going through in my head. After all, I was the strong one. I was the one who got things done. Got things accomplished….only, I wasn’t. NOTHING was getting done. I began to wonder, why? Why do any of this. Why be here. Then after much therapy, friends who would not give up on me, a husband who did not understand but let me go thru the process that I needed to go thru, I began to see a glimmer. A very small beacon of light. One that became my lifeline. One that would pull me out of my funk, my head and my beliefs. One that lead me to the path of my amazing Spirit guides, God and my ability to see what lay ahead of me. One that changed my life and made me feel whole. One that solidified everything I had wanted to believe but felt too insecure to try to understand or think I could ever understand. The path was opening ahead of me, I was just too blind and stubborn to see it at the time. I began to discover my own amazing intuition.
How many times have I said no? Not often actually. Usually the yes word comes into my vocabulary very quickly. Why is that? Could it be that I truly want to be the go to person? Could it be that I think I can do everything? Maybe. Maybe it is the fear of rejection. Maybe it is the non-understanding of what the word yes, and what the word no means. As I sit here this evening pondering this elusive question, I begin to wonder, why is it that I feel so completely compelled to do EVERYTHING that is asked of me. I look back to my childhood. I remember a girl who so wanted to be liked by everyone. I had a couple of good friends, but in elementary school, even back then there were the bullies. They were not as sneaky as they are today. We had to use pen and paper to do something horrible to another person. It was not the immediate response as it is now. Consequently, it was not as tragic as it is today, but still quite impactful to me and to a small girl with a southern accent, it was scary. I was a tad different. I wanted so bad to fit in. To be a girl just like everyone else was. So, I adapted. I started at a very early age to be what everyone wanted me to be. I did what everyone wanted me to do. Friends, parents, teachers. I was the good girl. I never got into trouble. I received the good grades. Now, let me be very clear here. I did not act like the troubled child. I tried as hard as I could to be the good example for my siblings, my friends and my superiors. And it worked until very recently. As I have said before, my world crashed down and I became a zombie wife, mom, volunteer and friend. I went thru the motions. I always said yes. The questions run thru my mind in droves. Hey, can you volunteer for this class? Yes. Hey can you volunteer for a soccer league, Yes. Can you drive me to Sally’s house, yes. Can you bring me my lunch, I forgot it, yes. I said yes to everything, school functions, conferences, kid’s activity volunteer, mission trips, suicide prevention awareness, friends in need. EVERYTHING. The list of Yeses could take up pages. I did not understand that I have it in my power to say, ”NO!! I can’t do that.”
Learning to say no was such a struggle. My internal voice, the one I had for so incredibly long and trusted, had completely quit talking to me. I was not listening to anything but the negatives running thru my brain. I had completely quit trusting my gut instinct. I was, at one time, involved in: a large conference (One of the Directors), the Executive Secretary/treasurer for a suicide awareness group, organizing a mission trip to deliver glasses to people in Ecuador, starting a major remodel on my home (I was designing it myself), a brand spanking new granddaughter, and keeping everyone happy and feeling guilty when I could not be home to make dinner for whatever family was there. I put these pressures on myself. Not one single person had said to me “You must do this, or else!” I was the only voice in my head putting these emotions and words and agreements into my being. I had been saying yes to everyone else and no to anything I needed. I no longer had an identity. However, saying yes to everyone was clearly not working for me. Then I had “THE MELTDOWN”. It has taken a few years. Learning that saying no is an act of Love. To myself, to my family and to my friends. NO is a boundary. No is a powerful word. Here is the thing I have learned. When I quit saying yes, and really look at where my life is and what is going on in my life, I can give so much more of me. I love helping everyone. Being there. Being a rock if that is what is needed. But I have learned, If I am not healthy, if I am not in a good emotional place then saying yes is doing more harm than good. I said yes to these amazing projects. And I would cry myself to sleep at night. I was too over-committed. I was not actually helping ANYONE. Now when something is asked of me, I look at my life, my prior commitments, my priorities, and then say yes or no. It really, truly is that simple. It is not easy, at all to change something you have done your entire life. Not easy at all. No has become such a recent addition to my vocabulary that sometimes I completely surprise myself. Friends will ask me to do something for them. I say no and guess what? They are still my friend. They still like me. Family, the same thing. I say no I just can’t do that right now and they say OK, and move on. I never ever dreamed that I could say no to something and it would be OK. It would be more than OK. It would be FANTASTIC!! And an even better side effect of saying no….I get to be more genuine with everyone. I can laugh at things now. I can be honest and say what it truly on my mind. And actually like me more everyday.
I am very thankful that I have people surrounding me that understand this. That have had the patience to hear me, to listen to me, to let me cry. Life is not perfect by any means. I still have those struggles. But understanding that saying no is truly an act of love, so much more so than yes is, has made me a better person. I like myself a lot more and my gut instinct is back. My intuition is becoming clearer and clearer. I still have a bunch of work to do on that front but every single day is a blessing and I know that I am on the clearest path that I could possibly be on.
Am I perfect? Not even a little bit. There are so many things that I am nonperfect in and of. And that in itself, is perfect for me. As I go through this Journey that I have been on and will continue to be on, I am coming to accept that imperfection in myself. There are so many things I want to say, to explore and to understand. As I sit here at my computer asking God, what am I supposed to write about today, I just let my fingers rest on the keyboard and let the fingers fly. My hope is that these rambling thoughts of mine will make perfect sense. Because, after all, perfect sense is what we all strive for, isn’t it? And for me that was, for so long, an absolute need. To make perfect sense. This was one of my core beliefs, that everything had to make perfect sense. Now I look back on this and say to myself, how crazy is that? Did it make perfect sense that a woman known for her intuitive abilities lead me to The Law of Attraction? Did it make sense that a trinket purchased in a Christian book store lead me to another life changing woman? The answer of course was no! It did not! But the acceptance of those imperfect moments and the future imperfect moments have shaped my new life and will continue to shape my life. Do I do everything perfectly. Absolutely not. My house is usually cluttered, and it drives my awesome husband bonkers, but he accepts that in me. I love to meet up with people and hear their stories. I was telling my mom the other day that total strangers will come up to me in stores or on the street and tell me their life stories. She thought I was a little bit off. Then it happened in front of her and she said…” wow”. But seriously, how perfect is that? I have grown to accept that part of me that people seem to trust. I am growing to accept me and my imperfections. Actually, I am growing to love me and my imperfections. That is what makes me, ME! So, the acceptance of the perfectly imperfect me is coming along, and with it a trust in my own gifts, my own intuitive gifts. Gifts that I have been blessed with, hungered for, ignored. All because I did not understand that imperfection was the perfect plan for me.
I did not come to this realization by myself. It has taken many tears. Not wanting to believe what was right in front of me. Wanting to stay in the comfort zone of this is what I have always known, therefore it is. It has taken a tribe of people. An awesome tribe. Some I still have contact with on a daily basis, some I don’t. That does not make any of those people any less important. Some I only saw one time. Some many times. Some I went through workshops with, some were one on one. The point is that I have stayed the course. I knew I was not going in the direction that was healthy for me. I had to do something. I was not the perfect person everyone thought I was, and it was killing me. Slowly!! And no one saw the slow burning death of me. No one saw me. All they saw was this very outgoing person who was always the go to person. The one who could get things done perfectly. The one who always said, YES! Because that is what made me the perfect person. And now, I embrace the fact that I am so far from perfect that it scares me sometimes. But I absolutely adore the new imperfectly perfect me. I embrace it, I roll around in it. I AM ME. PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!!
I want to give everyone some background on where the initial journey began. It was about 10 years ago. I was given the audio of a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. This book was the start for me as I had never known that such a thing existed. The Law of Attraction, what is that all about? I was slightly confused and just a little bit in aww. Then I wanted to see what this physic thing was all about. Was it something that I could really believe? Did it have anything to do with the Secret? Was there something to any of this? I had been told about this amazing person who really could tell me things about myself. Her name was Morrighan Lynne. (Boy, was that ever a life changing reading. More on that in a later post.) She told me about the Law of Attraction as told to Esther and Jerry Hicks by Abraham. THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE!! I began to believe that I really do attract the things into my life and only I can change what those things are. If I was looking for bad drivers, then they will come in droves to me. If I was looking for disapproval and misunderstandings, then that is what I would find. My thought patterns began to change. Now, I am not going to lie. This was a hard concept for me to understand. I had a lifetime of telling myself how unbelievable I was. That I was a shameful person, that I was not good enough for anything important, ever. Then suddenly, I started to change my words. ON PURPOSE. When driving on the crowded roads and people were being horrible drivers, I noticed that I was really paying attention to them. Let me tell you when I realized that I was paying more attention to them than all the good things around me I was shocked!! So, I changed my thoughts. Now I was saying, “Wow, that person must really need in front of me. I bet they are late while trying to get their very sick children to the doctor. ” Or I would make up some story to explain their horrible driving. Guess what happened? All those horrible drivers literally disappeared!!! This was my first AHH Hah!! And I began this incredible journey into thought and actions.
Now, this was not a fast process. For years my motto was Just Believe! I said this every day, multiple times. I had signs that said believe. I had car things that said believe, I wrote it on my bathroom mirror. I used it for just about everything that I needed a word for. IT WAS MY MOTTO. Problem with a motto…you truly must believe that it can happen. And me in my state of disbelief about myself and everything around me, I was saying the word and doing the very best I could with very limited information. But, The Law of Attraction got me started. It was my pointer to the direction that I knew I needed to go in my life. For about 6 years, The Law of Attraction became my beacon.
It’s funny how people come into my life. One day I was in a Christian book store and they had a rear window hanger. It was a teardrop with an angel in the middle. On the outside of the tear drop were the words, “Miracles Happen Just Believe.” This became my next motto. I bought this and put it in my car. Little did I know that one of the next people I would meet would give me another huge nudge to move in a more positive direction. And she would say those words to me and I would start a big metamorphosis. One that has been filled with lots of counseling, tears, journaling, loss and total acceptance.
This is so completely new to me. I am using this to document my journey to a new me. I’m going to make this particular post relatively short as I am finding a need to put out a short expectation of what all of you can expect of me. It has been such a difficult, fun, life affirming one that I can’t wait to share with you. Some have asked…Why would you do this. It is very simple really. I was sound asleep one night and this word came to me. It said, quite simply…..BLOG….BLOG. And I kept hearing it over and over again. When I came to full awareness that is the first word to hit into me. So after years of ignoring my nudges, my voices and my own intuition, I said, OK…A blog it is. And here I am. Sharing my life’s hidden passion and life’s experiences. Being guided by my Spirits, Guardian Angels or Life Helpers. I love them so much and life became so much fun when I fully decided to trust them. I will, in this fun little blog, be as determined as I can to honor all that have assisted me in this journey. I will also have a page that I will reference some of the books I have read and just basic websites to the people who have been so kind and understanding. Forgive me if I seem to jump all over the place. It is after all a Journey. And sometimes Journeys take me to places that are totally unexpected and so significant that I just have to jump right in and tell you all about them. If my journey resonates with you, please feel free to send me a note or comment, you can go to the contact page and the message can go directly from there. And Thank you in advance for following me on this Journey. And so it now begins. Watch for improvements along the way.