Back to the Beginning

I sit here and I think, WOW, 2013 was such a pivotal year for me.  That is when the beginning of my personal crash began. But before all of the crash began, my guides, angels, God, and everyone in that realm were trying to get my attention.  They sent me to the last year of a women’s empowerment conference in March and there I met the amazing Sheli G.  She was such a beacon for me.  She literally sang the words to a song she had written and those words included the phrase, “Miracles happen, just believe”.  I was completely blown away.  I had just purchased my car angel during my Dads hospital stay and it had those exact words on it.  Here was someone who at least tried to understand me.  And she did a fantastic job of it.  But, truth be known, I did not ever give anyone the full story.  I tried.  At least I thought I did.  I was very incapable of sharing the real me, the truth of me.    And honestly, I never shared most of it with anyone.  Including my husband, my children, my best friend, they all thought they knew me, but reality check…they didn’t because I would not let them in.  It was too scary.  Letting anyone see your most personal thoughts and dreams.  I kept all of that to myself.  Sometimes I still do, I’m still learning.  But I am getting better and better at that trust thing, that openness thing.

In October of that year, I had 3 physical deaths in one week.  Then as the course of 2014 began to take shape there were 3 other physical deaths.  I was working on a new Women’s Conference in my area with the amazing Sheli G, and was trying to keep a flip flop business alive.  I was volunteering about 30 hours a week to the conference and about 30 hours a week to my business.  Working many vendor shows, trying to keep the family going.  Taking kids where they needed to go, being that mom that everyone (I believed) thought I was.  My life was spiraling out of control.  That ‘no’ word was very illusive.  I honestly believed that I had to say yes.  It was my thing.  I was always willing to help out.  To be that go to person.  As I look back on it now, I can see that my guides were trying as hard as they could to get my attention (I was not paying attention!!  AT ALL).  I was in my comfort zone.  Being an awesome mom, an awesome friend, a wife, a volunteer.  Then October of 2013.  3 deaths.  And hard ones at that.  My neighbor kid committed suicide, my uncle died and a parent from my kids’ activities passed over.  That was a hard week.  But still, I persisted.  I could be that friend, that volunteer, that great family person.  Then in 2014, 3 other cousins passed on, due to one reason or another.  Their journeys were over.  Mine was still in progress.  The conference I was working on became a reality during all of this and was considered a success.  I was moving toward the next year.  Out of the Women’s Conference came a group called Destiny (I will have more on this amazing weekend in a later post) and this weekend gave me the courage to say to my husband, “I am going to counseling, and I want you to go with me.”  He was surprised.  I don’t think he had a clue as to what was going on.  After all, I was really, really good at putting up the mask and pretending that everything was just wonderful.  But he went.  Thank goodness.  I sobbed thru the whole session.  My therapist then says, “yea….I need to see you alone for a bit.  Your husband, we will bring him back in a later date”.  Just one more chunk taken out of the hard shell that I had put up around myself.  Then that same month, after the death of one of my cousins, my best friend and I had a HUGE falling out.  My heart was broken.  I did not know where to turn, I did not know what to do.  Thank goodness for all of the things I was doing because it was keeping me afloat.  Or so I thought.  Then August rolls in and my business dies.  Not because of me, but the corporate level just quit.  I was completely and totally destroyed.  That was my 8th ‘death’ in one year and the year had not even completed yet.  I still had 3 months to go before it was a full year.  Things then just started to fall apart.  It seemed that everything I was touching was not good enough or not complete.  I was drowning.  I got thru the next years Women’s conference and still things were falling apart.  My mask was no longer working.  I did not have the tools available to me to get through it.  Thank goodness for therapy and awesome insurance.  I don’t think I would have gotten thru all of that without it.  Now keep in mind, people were there for me.  Some I trusted, others I did not.  But I did have a support network.  I just did not believe that anyone would want to believe everything I was going through in my head.  After all, I was the strong one.  I was the one who got things done.  Got things accomplished….only, I wasn’t.  NOTHING was getting done.  I began to wonder, why?  Why do any of this.  Why be here.  Then after much therapy, friends who would not give up on me, a husband who did not understand but let me go thru the process that I needed to go thru, I began to see a glimmer.  A very small beacon of light.  One that became my lifeline.  One that would pull me out of my funk, my head and my beliefs.  One that lead me to the path of my amazing Spirit guides, God and my ability to see what lay ahead of me.  One that changed my life and made me feel whole.  One that solidified everything I had wanted to believe but felt too insecure to try to understand or think I could ever understand.   The path was opening ahead of me, I was just too blind and stubborn to see it at the time.  I began to discover my own amazing intuition.