How many times have I said no?  Not often actually.  Usually the yes word comes into my vocabulary very quickly. Why is that?  Could it be that I truly want to be the go to person? Could it be that I think I can do everything? Maybe. Maybe it is the fear of rejection. Maybe it is the non-understanding of what the word yes, and what the word no means. As I sit here this evening pondering this elusive question, I begin to wonder, why is it that I feel so completely compelled to do EVERYTHING that is asked of me. I look back to my childhood. I remember a girl who so wanted to be liked by everyone. I had a couple of good friends, but in elementary school, even back then there were the bullies. They were not as sneaky as they are today. We had to use pen and paper to do something horrible to another person. It was not the immediate response as it is now. Consequently, it was not as tragic as it is today, but still quite impactful to me and to a small girl with a southern accent, it was scary.  I was a tad different.  I wanted so bad to fit in. To be a girl just like everyone else was. So, I adapted. I started at a very early age to be what everyone wanted me to be. I did what everyone wanted me to do. Friends, parents, teachers. I was the good girl. I never got into trouble. I received the good grades. Now, let me be very clear here. I did not act like the troubled child. I tried as hard as I could to be the good example for my siblings, my friends and my superiors. And it worked until very recently. As I have said before, my world crashed down and I became a zombie wife, mom, volunteer and friend. I went thru the motions. I always said yes. The questions run thru my mind in droves. Hey, can you volunteer for this class? Yes. Hey can you volunteer for a soccer league, Yes. Can you drive me to Sally’s house, yes. Can you bring me my lunch, I forgot it, yes. I said yes to everything, school functions, conferences, kid’s activity volunteer, mission trips, suicide prevention awareness, friends in need. EVERYTHING. The list of Yeses could take up pages. I did not understand that I have it in my power to say, ”NO!! I can’t do that.”
Learning to say no was such a struggle. My internal voice, the one I had for so incredibly long and trusted, had completely quit talking to me. I was not listening to anything but the negatives running thru my brain. I had completely quit trusting my gut instinct. I was, at one time, involved in: a large conference (One of the Directors), the Executive Secretary/treasurer for a suicide awareness group, organizing a mission trip to deliver glasses to people in Ecuador, starting a major remodel on my home (I was designing it myself), a brand spanking new granddaughter, and keeping everyone happy and feeling guilty when I could not be home to make dinner for whatever family was there. I put these pressures on myself. Not one single person had said to me “You must do this, or else!” I was the only voice in my head putting these emotions and words and agreements into my being. I had been saying yes to everyone else and no to anything I needed. I no longer had an identity.  However, saying yes to everyone was clearly not working for me. Then I had “THE MELTDOWN”. It has taken a few years. Learning that saying no is an act of Love. To myself, to my family and to my friends. NO is a boundary. No is a powerful word. Here is the thing I have learned. When I quit saying yes, and really look at where my life is and what is going on in my life, I can give so much more of me. I love helping everyone. Being there. Being a rock if that is what is needed. But I have learned, If I am not healthy, if I am not in a good emotional place then saying yes is doing more harm than good. I said yes to these amazing projects. And I would cry myself to sleep at night. I was too over-committed. I was not actually helping ANYONE. Now when something is asked of me, I look at my life, my prior commitments, my priorities, and then say yes or no. It really, truly is that simple. It is not easy, at all to change something you have done your entire life. Not easy at all. No has become such a recent addition to my vocabulary that sometimes I completely surprise myself. Friends will ask me to do something for them. I say no and guess what? They are still my friend. They still like me. Family, the same thing. I say no I just can’t do that right now and they say OK, and move on. I never ever dreamed that I could say no to something and it would be OK. It would be more than OK. It would be FANTASTIC!! And an even better side effect of saying no….I get to be more genuine with everyone. I can laugh at things now. I can be honest and say what it truly on my mind. And actually like me more everyday.
I am very thankful that I have people surrounding me that understand this. That have had the patience to hear me, to listen to me, to let me cry. Life is not perfect by any means. I still have those struggles. But understanding that saying no is truly an act of love, so much more so than yes is, has made me a better person. I like myself a lot more and my gut instinct is back. My intuition is becoming clearer and clearer. I still have a bunch of work to do on that front but every single day is a blessing and I know that I am on the clearest path that I could possibly be on.

Am I perfect? Not even a little bit. There are so many things that I am nonperfect in and of. And that in itself, is perfect for me. As I go through this Journey that I have been on and will continue to be on, I am coming to accept that imperfection in myself. There are so many things I want to say, to explore and to understand. As I sit here at my computer asking God, what am I supposed to write about today, I just let my fingers rest on the keyboard and let the fingers fly.  My hope is that these rambling thoughts of mine will make perfect sense. Because, after all, perfect sense is what we all strive for, isn’t it? And for me that was, for so long, an absolute need. To make perfect sense. This was one of my core beliefs, that everything had to make perfect sense. Now I look back on this and say to myself, how crazy is that? Did it make perfect sense that a woman known for her intuitive abilities lead me to The Law of Attraction? Did it make sense that a trinket purchased in a Christian book store lead me to another life changing woman? The answer of course was no! It did not! But the acceptance of those imperfect moments and the future imperfect moments have shaped my new life and will continue to shape my life. Do I do everything perfectly. Absolutely not. My house is usually cluttered, and it drives my awesome husband bonkers, but he accepts that in me. I love to meet up with people and hear their stories. I was telling my mom the other day that total strangers will come up to me in stores or on the street and tell me their life stories. She thought I was a little bit off. Then it happened in front of her and she said…” wow”. But seriously, how perfect is that? I have grown to accept that part of me that people seem to trust. I am growing to accept me and my imperfections. Actually, I am growing to love me and my imperfections. That is what makes me, ME! So, the acceptance of the perfectly imperfect me is coming along, and with it a trust in my own gifts, my own intuitive gifts. Gifts that I have been blessed with, hungered for, ignored. All because I did not understand that imperfection was the perfect plan for me.
I did not come to this realization by myself. It has taken many tears. Not wanting to believe what was right in front of me. Wanting to stay in the comfort zone of this is what I have always known, therefore it is. It has taken a tribe of people. An awesome tribe. Some I still have contact with on a daily basis, some I don’t. That does not make any of those people any less important. Some I only saw one time. Some many times. Some I went through workshops with, some were one on one. The point is that I have stayed the course. I knew I was not going in the direction that was healthy for me. I had to do something. I was not the perfect person everyone thought I was, and it was killing me. Slowly!! And no one saw the slow burning death of me. No one saw me. All they saw was this very outgoing person who was always the go to person. The one who could get things done perfectly. The one who always said, YES! Because that is what made me the perfect person. And now, I embrace the fact that I am so far from perfect that it scares me sometimes. But I absolutely adore the new imperfectly perfect me. I embrace it, I roll around in it. I AM ME. PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!!

I want to give everyone some background on where the initial journey began.  It was about 10 years ago.  I was given the audio of a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.  This book was the start for me as I had never known that such a thing existed.  The Law of Attraction, what is that all about?  I was slightly confused and just a little bit in aww.  Then I wanted to see what this physic thing was all about. Was it something that I could really believe?  Did it have anything to do with the Secret?  Was there something to any of this?  I had been told about this amazing person who really could tell me things about myself.  Her name was Morrighan Lynne.  (Boy, was that ever a life changing reading. More on that in a later post.)   She told me about the Law of Attraction as told to Esther and Jerry Hicks by Abraham.  THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE!!  I began to believe that I really do attract the things into my life and only I can change what those things are.  If I was looking for bad drivers, then they will come in droves to me. If I was looking for disapproval and misunderstandings, then that is what I would find.   My thought patterns began to change.  Now, I am not going to lie.  This was a hard concept for me to understand.  I had a lifetime of telling myself how unbelievable I was.  That I was a shameful person, that I was not good enough for anything important, ever.  Then suddenly, I started to change my words.  ON PURPOSE.  When driving on the crowded roads and people were being horrible drivers, I noticed that I was really paying attention to them.  Let me tell you when I realized that I was paying more attention to them than all the good things around me I was shocked!!  So, I changed my thoughts.  Now I was saying, “Wow, that person must really need in front of me.  I bet they are late while trying to get their very sick children to the doctor. ” Or I would make up some story to explain their horrible driving.  Guess what happened?  All those horrible drivers literally disappeared!!!  This was my first AHH Hah!! And I began this incredible journey into thought and actions.

Now, this was not a fast process.  For years my motto was Just Believe!  I said this every day, multiple times.  I had signs that said believe.  I had car things that said believe, I wrote it on my bathroom mirror.  I used it for just about everything that I needed a word for.  IT WAS MY MOTTO.  Problem with a motto…you truly must believe that it can happen.  And me in my state of disbelief about myself and everything around me, I was saying the word and doing the very best I could with very limited information.  But, The Law of Attraction got me started. It was my pointer to the direction that I knew I needed to go in my life.  For about 6 years, The Law of Attraction became my beacon.

It’s funny how people come into my life.  One day I was in a Christian book store and they had a rear window hanger.  It was a teardrop with an angel in the middle.  On the outside of the tear drop were the words, “Miracles Happen Just Believe.” This became my next motto.   I bought this and put it in my car.  Little did I know that one of the next people I would meet would give me another huge nudge to move in a more positive direction.  And she would say those words to me and I would start a big metamorphosis.  One that has been filled with lots of counseling, tears, journaling, loss and total acceptance.

This is so completely new to me.  I am using this to document my journey to a new me.  I’m going to make this particular post relatively short as I am finding a need to put out a short expectation of what all of you can expect of me.  It has been such a difficult, fun, life affirming one that I can’t wait to share with you.    Some have asked…Why would you do this.  It is very simple really.  I was sound asleep one night and this word came to me.  It said, quite simply…..BLOG….BLOG.  And I kept hearing it over and over again.  When I came to full awareness that is the first word to hit into me.  So after years of ignoring my nudges, my voices and my own intuition, I said, OK…A blog it is.  And here I am.  Sharing my life’s hidden passion and life’s experiences.  Being guided by my Spirits, Guardian Angels or Life Helpers.  I love them so much and life became so much fun when I fully decided to trust them. I will, in this fun little blog,  be as determined as I can to honor all that have assisted me in this journey.  I will also have a page that I will reference some of the books I have read and just basic websites to the people who have been so kind and understanding.  Forgive me if I seem to jump all over the place.  It is after all a Journey.  And sometimes Journeys take me to places that are totally unexpected and so significant that I just have to jump right in and tell you all about them. If my journey resonates with you,  please feel free to send me a note or comment, you can go to the contact page and the message can go directly from there.  And Thank you in advance for following me on this Journey.    And so it now begins.  Watch for improvements along the way.

How often have I said,  “Wow!  I should do that?”   “What would happen if I did this?”  “How would my life change if I did that? ”  Then never ever did anything to answer those questions.  Well, I can tell you I have waited long enough.  I am ready to begin to tell my story.  For me, some of this telling will be very emotional.  Some will be exciting and some will be life changing.  This Journey has been relatively short and intense, filled with so many teachers, mentors and friends.   It has filled my soul and gets me through each and everyday with a passion that I had no idea existed in my being.  I have learned so much about myself and what this life is for. I have learned so much that my brain is fairly exploding.  AND THAT’S A WONDERFUL THING.  So come along with me and hear my journey to Self discovery, Intuition and Acceptance of all.  I need to start at the very beginning.  Well, maybe not the very beginning.  But the beginning of my transformation.  So I will take you back a few years.

Life for me was very typical for many people.  I got married, had 3 children, had a best friend, husband of many years, awesome neighbors and a life that to the outside world seemed pretty idyllic.  My children were good kids.  They got great grades in school, were active in many activities and had no real problems with drugs or alcohol.  My husband is a great guy who is a terrific husband and a wonderful Dad, and a perfect provider.  My best girlfriend was my rock.  She was the one that I could depend on and was there for me when i went into a meltdown.  My outside persona was one of independence.  I was always the Parent Volunteer and willing to help out whenever and wherever I was needed.  Everyone thought I had it completely together, and that my life was absolutely perfect.  However, inside I was dying a slow death.  I honestly did not have any idea as to who I was or what in the world I was doing upon this earth.   Self Sabotage, no self confidence, no joy or laughter, feeling unworthy or insignificant.  All of these feelings were flooding into my brain.  All the negative things that I told myself because that is the only thing I knew how to do.  I truly believed that this was the best that I could hope for.  Sadness, Insignificance, and self loathing were the ticket for each day. Each day a struggle, I would smile and get thru the day and after everyone was in bed would sit and sob.  Only myself to hear my internal thoughts and struggles.   Then the world began to cave in and I began a miraculous journey.