Old Patterns

Patterns.  We use them for many things.  Making clothing, bags, food, friends, helping or even just having some down time, or living life plain and simple.  I look at my current patterns and I realize that some of my patterns are truly amazing and some disheartening.  Why do I live with patterns?  Specifically, those that either lift me or sabotage me.  The answer of course, is because that is what I know.  What my comfort zone is.  Understanding my own patterns has become a way of life for me.  I have spent a few years now analyzing the patterns that I have developed and those that I no longer want to keep.  I know the question.  How have you been analyzing your patterns?  The answer, honestly, is with a lot of tears, journaling, counseling (by many people), reading books, listening to books (I love Audible.  Just saying.)  and really looking at where I was in my life.  I started to pay attention to my spiral.  When did I feel good?  When did I feel bad?  Specifically, which circumstances made me feel good and which made me feel like a sack of crap.  I was amazed at all of those patterns.  Let me clue you in on one of them.

A pattern that I especially loved..until about 2 years ago, was taking an incident, could be any incident, bad drivers, a phone call from anyone, a sound or body language, and dwelling upon it for days.  Really getting my hair up.  I would go over it again and again in my mind.  I would twist it.  I would turn it.  I would make it or the person the complete bad guy.   And in my mind, I was always right.  How dare anyone not agree with me.  A great example of this is a friend, let’s call this friend Gertrude.  I’m driving in the car with Gertrude, we are in the vehicle with 2 other people.   While they are in the car, the conversation is between Gertrude and one of the back-seat friends.  Both parties get dropped off and now it is just me and Gertrude.  I start to say something and Gertrude cranks the music up.  I am devastated.  I thought this was a super great friend.  Obviously, she does not want to talk with me.  Tears begin to run down my cheek.  We arrive at the place where my vehicle is and I say as quickly as possible that I will see you later, have a good night.  I get in my car and drive about 2 blocks away and sit in my car.  I cry.  I sob actually.  I cannot believe that I obviously have done something that she is mad about.  (When I ask about this at a later date I am told no nothing is wrong.  Do I believe this?  Not even a tiny bit).  The pattern now has solidified and I am on a roll.  I would begin by telling myself how I must have done something wrong, how could I have been so stupid to not know what it was?  How could I let this happen?  Why would this great friend do this to me?  I must be bad.  I must be not a good friend.  I must not be worthy of a friend.  But because of old patterns, old habits, I hung on.  For dear life.  And continued this process of self-depreciating hate.

Now as I am progressing thru this cycle, I begin to say, that is really dumb of me.  I’m not the one who did anything wrong.  I was being a nice friend.  I’m always there. I do whatever is asked of me.  I am totally in the right and Gertrude is completely wrong.  She is the wrong one.  She is the bad one.  She is the unworthy one.  Keep in mind I would repeat this dozens of times a day.  And not just toward the friend.  I would rant to myself about my children, my husband, other drivers, customers at stores, anyone who did not fit into my perfect little world.  How wrong they were, how wrong I was.  Everything thing was wrong.  After quite some time, I began to see.  Hmmmm…..If everything is wrong with everyone, maybe it is not everyone.  Maybe it is me who needs to change my thoughts.  Maybe it is me who needs to change my habits.  MAYBE IT IS TIME TO CHANGE MY PATTERNS.

Now remember, I have had many years of listening to the Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks as told to them by Abraham.  I WAS NOT GETTING IT!!  I thought I was.  Boy did I think I was, but NEWS FLASH!!!! I WAS NOT GETTING IT.  So very slowly, with the help of so many wonderful people, I began to understand that what I was feeling was my issues.  I began to understand that what people said to me, about me, was not a reflection on me, but on them.  I began to understand.  Today, with all of this amazing knowledge, I am better able to be in a place of love and acceptance.  I do not honestly know what I would do in a situation like the one with Gertrude.  I do have feelings, so I may get hurt again.  But this time around, I will understand that there is nothing wrong with me.  There is nothing wrong with her.  It just is.  Everyone has their own patterns.  Every single person.  I may not like the patterns that they use.  But I can accept them.  As I would want all to accept mine.  I no longer cycle thru those incidents.  I no longer dwell on the negative.  Because that is what I did for so very long.  If I do find myself moving in that direction, I immediately get or do something to take my mind off of the thought.  I listen to happy music, I listen to a book, I play with my granddaughter, I watch a really fun show.  I change my thoughts.  It started as a life skill to learn, now is a habit.  I can honestly say that I have not had a sobbing spell in quite some time.  Mostly because I have changed my patterns that I held for so long.  I no longer look at myself as a victim.